I feel drunk. I feel intoxicated. I feel it flowing through me. I feel it in my fingers on my tongue. It is permeating out of my pores. The essence of her. It makes my heart race and my stomach tremble. I vibrate with the thought of her. I want to touch her, smell her, taste her. I try to fight it. I want to fight it. I want to feel this way about the man I am married to, not the women I can�t have. I want my thoughts to be only about him. Instead of this obsession with something that will never belong to me. I know I should extract these feelings. I should remove it from my life. I have never felt this strong, this intense, this scared. Why does it have to be for someone who not only should I not feel this way about, but someone who doesn�t feel this way about me. My husband feels this way about me. Why don�t I feel this intense for him. Is it because this is new and he has been here for me. Is it because this is a challenge and I know I have him. But I don�t remember ever feeling this for him. Have I and it has just been so long. He loves me. I love him. I want that to be all that I need. I want him to be the one that makes me feel drunk with want. Intoxicated with need. I want to stop wanting her. I want to stop seeing her face in my mind. Feeling her skin even when I am not touching her. I want it to stop or I want to do it. I want one or the other. Go away or give me what I want. Hell I think I am going insane. I can�t handle this. Why. I want to understand why she is able to do this. How did she become so damn potent. And why can�t I just make it stop. Do I not really want that. Am I just trying to convince myself that is what I want? Maybe I don�t really want it all to go away.

2004-06-10 - Bye Bye
2004-06-02 - FAT FUCKING BITCH ( THAT'S ME)
2004-06-01 - ME (YUCK)
2004-05-12 - New house!
2004-04-15 - Good and Bad