Well I have been thinking all morning. I know I have said things like this before. But before these thoughts scared me. Now to some degree it just feels right. I think I am going to have the talk with my husband. I think we need to figure out how to go about getting divorced.

I know in my heart he will never again be happy with me. I will always fall short of his expectations. I know he loves me, I don�t doubt that. But I also know with everything in me that he doesn�t like me. He hasn�t for a very long time. I just am not what he thinks of as a good person. It hurts me to know this. But it is the truth.

He no longer makes me happy. He only seems to hurt me anymore. I wish him all the happiness in the world. I just don�t think I am it. He needs a more quiet and assuming wife. Someone who doesn�t question him or what he wants from her. Don�t get me wrong, he is not a bad person. He takes care of me and my kids. But he is not happy and he blames me for it. Maybe it is my fault. I should have never married him. I know that I have always been looking for more. That is not fair to him. He should be my world. He is not. He deserves to be someone�s world. He needs that kind of devotion. I don�t know how to give that to him. I wish I could.

I don�t want my kids to grow up in an unhappy home. I don�t want to give them the impression that I am giving up. I want them to know that you don�t just give up on a marriage. You work at it. I have been trying to get it right for more than a year now. So you do have to decide when it is no longer worth fixing.

I don�t think my marriage was a complete mistake. I just don�t think we were meant for each other. I think we confused friendship for more.

So I don�t know maybe he can change my mind. I don�t think he will try.

2004-06-10 - Bye Bye
2004-06-02 - FAT FUCKING BITCH ( THAT'S ME)
2004-06-01 - ME (YUCK)
2004-05-12 - New house!
2004-04-15 - Good and Bad