I don�t know what I am feeling right now. I am not sure if it is guilt or what. To understand what I am talking about read my guest book entry # 87.

This is a reality check for me. It makes me wonder am I really such a selfish bitch? Do I really hate my life that much? Do I not appreciate all that has been given to me? Apparently that is the impression I give people in this diary. So I guess I need to put more about the happiness that I do have and less about the times that I feel like shit. Anyway I can�t tell you how fucked up I am. I don�t believe I deserve anything that I have. May be that is why I can�t enjoy it. Maybe I never will be able too. I am sorry for everything that I fuck up. I love my kids and I have wonderful kids. But I am so certain that I will fuck them up I don�t know. I scare myself. I don�t want them to be anything like me. I think maybe they and the whole world would be better off without me in it. But then I remember that that isn�t anymore fair to my kids. To think that I loved them so little as to leave them to deal with harsh world without me. I try. Maybe not as hard as I could. But I do try. I try to consider everyone else. I don�t want to live only for me. I made a commitment to my family to stick it out through thick and thin no matter what I want. And what I want is to be happy with my family. And I will do that no matter what it takes.

2004-06-10 - Bye Bye
2004-06-02 - FAT FUCKING BITCH ( THAT'S ME)
2004-06-01 - ME (YUCK)
2004-05-12 - New house!
2004-04-15 - Good and Bad