It has been a day of mixed emotions. I told myself I didn't care anymore. I really did. I told myself that I control my feelings. That I don't have to let the way people treat me cause me pain. Or that if they are good to me should not be so important to my happiness. I smiled and was strong, for about 10 min. Wow that was a long time! I am so sick of hurting like this. Yes other people have hurt me. But I don't remember it being this bad. I want so to be able to control what I feel and not worry about how other people see me. I mean cause what does it matter really. If they don't care them why should I. I swear I feel like life will never change. I guess I will never be strong enough to know that I am worth more and that they are the ones missing out not me. I can't seem to stop feeling like I am missing out. I want to just stop clean out my brain and see if I can get a fresh perspective. I really need it.

I keep trying to figure out how I feel about my marriage and my husband. I don't have any idea if I want to be married or if I am just too scared to let him go. I do love him but do I love him enough. I mean is it fair that I don't think of him as often as he does me. I think maybe I should let him go so he can find someone who thinks only of him and that will adore him. I just don't know anymore. It really is driving me crazy. I feel like I am in a black hole with spiders of self doubt. And they just keep eating away at me.

2004-06-10 - Bye Bye
2004-06-02 - FAT FUCKING BITCH ( THAT'S ME)
2004-06-01 - ME (YUCK)
2004-05-12 - New house!
2004-04-15 - Good and Bad